Happy Birthday Me!

Well it's birthday....again. You have one every year, Travis says that I used to just love my birthday. Well I am not sure if it is because I'm old or maybe that my mom is not here or what but I am just not into it anymore. There are so many things that are little like me not really loving my birthday anymore and such that are different about me since the accident. I need to put a disclaimer out, this blog is going to be my stark honest one. Not the one where I pretend or gloss over the hard stuff. I want... no I need to be able to honestly express my thoughts since the accident. That means that I am not going to apologize if someone gets offended by what is written. I do hope that people will understand that this whole thing has taken many turns and twists, not all of them are happy ones. Ok, done with disclaimer. I have learned so much about life through this trial. I have learned that we shouldn't judge others because someday it is gonna be our rear ends hanging out of the skirt tucked into our pantyhose. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if I was a terribly judgmental person before the accident but I think to a certain degree I was as haughty as the next guy, but I have seen such kindness at the hands of strangers and I have seen such hideous judgment at the hands of others that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am in no position to judge anyone. I will leave that to the man upstairs. Because only my Savior knows what pain, agony, joy and happiness have brought me to each choice I have made. I remember right after the accident people would come over to see me and it was freaky. I would look at them and have no idea who they were, even though I had been very close to most of them. I looked like the same girl but clearly wasn't. My facial expressions were different, I had no connection to them. This caused a multitude of reactions from people. Anywhere from shreking crying, to anger, to complete sadness. Very few people wanted to invest the time back into the friendship. Plus I wasn't as caring or something and so they saw no use in getting to know the new me, which was very hard. Because even though I didn't know them, I knew that they knew a piece of me, a piece I didn't or may never. That is what was hard. I hurt my own family so much in those early days and weeks. I was terrible to them. I didn't understand why they would look at me with those sad eyes, wishing for me to know/remember them. It breaks my heart now to think back to it, even as I write this I am crying remembering this time. But they had the courage of lions in this time. My kids would pray that I would get my memory back, it always breaks my heart to hear this, they still do pray for this. There were some who simply couldn't step up to the plate and deal with me or this, but for the ones who did I will be eternally grateful for the rest of my life. I would spend my time looking at old pictures doing anything to jog my memory. I did Sudoku puzzles because I heard that they help your brain, writing to learn words I didn't know the meaning of, getting read to, going to doctor after doctor. It was a very painful time in my life that will forever be etched on my heart. Sorry to be so not cheery but that is the plain truth it wasn't a cheery time. I was scared a good amount of the time. I remember being in the shower, London waiting in the bathroom with me (I'm not quite sure why)and leaning out to ask the little girl What bottle do I use first the shampoo or conditioner. Because while I could read the words I had no idea what they meant. When people look at me they see the girl who I have mostly put back together, on the outside but there are many days and things that happen when I feel like the lady in the shower who has to ask the little girl which one do I use first. That is all I can do today, thanks for reading!!