hahahaha!

Okay so I fell very short on the "writing 3 times a week" thing. But in my defense I spent this summer soaking in my new life. So it was totally worth it. I have been loving being with my kids, I get to know them more and more everyday. To which I am very grateful for. Someone said to me yesterday "maybe this hasn't been such a bad thing in your life" And I have never really looked at the accident as a "bad thing" has it been hard, yes has it been life changing, yes but has it been a bad thing my answer to that one is no. I like who I am, I love the ones who have chosen to support me and walk down this path with me. I love learning new things, I even love the mistakes that I make. So what I am saying is would it have been what I would have chosen? Im sure not, but I am very lucky to still be alive and well. So I will be living Happy! I have learned so much about the kindness of strangers. Why is it that people who don't know us can sometimes love us so easily? In my case it boils down to expectations. People who don't know me or expect anything can just accept me for what i am now, it is harder for people who knew me before the accident. It is not impossible but it does seem to make it harder. I don't even know if that makes sense, but it does to me. So with the kids back in school, i will be keeping up on this more. I am a happy girl, thanks for those who read this blog and support me with your friendship and love! love YA'll

Happy Birthday Me!

Well it's birthday....again. You have one every year, Travis says that I used to just love my birthday. Well I am not sure if it is because I'm old or maybe that my mom is not here or what but I am just not into it anymore. There are so many things that are little like me not really loving my birthday anymore and such that are different about me since the accident. I need to put a disclaimer out, this blog is going to be my stark honest one. Not the one where I pretend or gloss over the hard stuff. I want... no I need to be able to honestly express my thoughts since the accident. That means that I am not going to apologize if someone gets offended by what is written. I do hope that people will understand that this whole thing has taken many turns and twists, not all of them are happy ones. Ok, done with disclaimer. I have learned so much about life through this trial. I have learned that we shouldn't judge others because someday it is gonna be our rear ends hanging out of the skirt tucked into our pantyhose. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if I was a terribly judgmental person before the accident but I think to a certain degree I was as haughty as the next guy, but I have seen such kindness at the hands of strangers and I have seen such hideous judgment at the hands of others that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am in no position to judge anyone. I will leave that to the man upstairs. Because only my Savior knows what pain, agony, joy and happiness have brought me to each choice I have made. I remember right after the accident people would come over to see me and it was freaky. I would look at them and have no idea who they were, even though I had been very close to most of them. I looked like the same girl but clearly wasn't. My facial expressions were different, I had no connection to them. This caused a multitude of reactions from people. Anywhere from shreking crying, to anger, to complete sadness. Very few people wanted to invest the time back into the friendship. Plus I wasn't as caring or something and so they saw no use in getting to know the new me, which was very hard. Because even though I didn't know them, I knew that they knew a piece of me, a piece I didn't or may never. That is what was hard. I hurt my own family so much in those early days and weeks. I was terrible to them. I didn't understand why they would look at me with those sad eyes, wishing for me to know/remember them. It breaks my heart now to think back to it, even as I write this I am crying remembering this time. But they had the courage of lions in this time. My kids would pray that I would get my memory back, it always breaks my heart to hear this, they still do pray for this. There were some who simply couldn't step up to the plate and deal with me or this, but for the ones who did I will be eternally grateful for the rest of my life. I would spend my time looking at old pictures doing anything to jog my memory. I did Sudoku puzzles because I heard that they help your brain, writing to learn words I didn't know the meaning of, getting read to, going to doctor after doctor. It was a very painful time in my life that will forever be etched on my heart. Sorry to be so not cheery but that is the plain truth it wasn't a cheery time. I was scared a good amount of the time. I remember being in the shower, London waiting in the bathroom with me (I'm not quite sure why)and leaning out to ask the little girl What bottle do I use first the shampoo or conditioner. Because while I could read the words I had no idea what they meant. When people look at me they see the girl who I have mostly put back together, on the outside but there are many days and things that happen when I feel like the lady in the shower who has to ask the little girl which one do I use first. That is all I can do today, thanks for reading!!

Okay so I have had this little blog for a few weeks and I have been contemplating where to begin or how to handle this. It isn't easy for me to start at the obvious place...the beginning because that was such a scary time for me. So what I have come up with is that I am just going to start where I am at and go from there. Sometimes forward sometimes backwards. Sorry if that is confusing but it is the only way that doesn't give me nightmares. And at the end of the day isn't that what is most important????
Somethings I love, music, dancing, reading, quotes, people, my family, the simple things of life. I had to add my play list first thing because music runs through my veins. It is a powerful resource on this earth, music goes hand in hand with my soul. Some people live life without listening to the music. Not just the music on the t.v or radio but the very essence of our world can be felt in music. Music has helped put words to so much of what i have felt during this whole thing. When I couldn't express what I was feeling or thinking I would hear a song and be able to make sense of what was happening to me. I have felt so alone during this process. To feel like a freak is a rare thing. I am sure that before this I never imagined I would find myself watching my life from the outside in. I have clung to the Spirit of my Heavenly Father. Prayer has been a constant guide for me. Which from my current situation most of you would seriously question. But I rely on prayer to get me through my day. I think that most of you have something to learn about real prayer and then you would understand more. But I am not about to give a sermon about that, I just am trying to share my thoughts and I hope that maybe they make sense. Okay so for those of you who don't know I am recently divorced. I had been married for 13 years. It has been all my choice and my doing, my husband hasn't wanted this and I have broken his heart by doing this. I need to clarify this because I know that many, many, many people think that I am insane for doing this and want me to fail in any attempt I make to find happiness. Travis is a good man, he deserves to be with someone better than me. But we will get into that later, that is enough right now. So I am a single mom to 3 fabulous kids who are my world. Many people can't understand how I can be so attached to the kids and not my husband. Kids are completely different than adults. They can love you and accept you for exactly what you are, if you love them they love you. Simple. So during this whole recovery process they have loved me and accepted me as just their mom. Nothing more, nothing less. Plus they can feel your spirit, they can let their heart love you 100% no questions asked. So I am completely devoted to my kids, and while I'm sure our bond is different than it was before it is a bond none-the-less. Not really sure if that made sense but this is my attempt to put to words what has been happening. Again this is new to me, so be patient I hope this will get easier as time goes on. Okay well that is all for today, my hope is to post at least 3 times a week, so follow me and get to understand me better! You might even decide you like me after all! :)
Please leave any comments good or bad, I need to know that this makes sense. Thanks!